dis-ease

i know that it has been a while since i got on here and wrote down ideas and thoughts. so many really and not much time to really have a chance to stop and to reflect. i'm glad that my life has slowed down a bit. i feel that this is fairly apropo given the part of the united states that i currently reside in.

since my last blog, i got engaged, married, i quit two jobs, went on a honeymoon, lead a missions trip, said good-bye to friends, moved out of my apartment, moved into my wife's parents home, moved out of their home, flew cross country and am currently in the process of moving into my new digs with my new wife and looking for a new job while starting up a part time gig on tues.

the past few days i've actually had a chance to make dinner, to read a book, watch my wife act, go and see a movie, to sleep in and go to bed early.

however looming over my head is this need to work and make money and that somehow i'm wasting my time and that i should be doing more, that there is someone over my shoulder looking at me and waiting for me to step it up. i spend my time driving around and looking at all the businesses around the city and wondering what i should to, where i should work and what would make the most money in the quickest amount of time. i feel this tension between doing what i want to do and doing what would benefit us the most, especially when i stop and think that we are only going to be here for two years and how fast two years goes and trying to make plans on moving to nyc and what that is going to cost.

for some reason i feel like all these decisions need to be made right now, at this very second and that if i don't that i'm never going to make them and things aren't going to turn out well.....so i again stop and recognize my need to control and my complete and utter lack of being able to control anything really, of the illusion that control is and that even if i did have a "handle" on it, i really would only have a "handle" on an illusion. so i wait, i hope, i pray and i rest on faith, faith that there is Direction out there and Purpose and Meaning.

"Follow me."