day off

you should take a couple days off

my supervisor told me that when on tuesday the 11th of october, i told her that i had just found out that my grandma had passed away that morning
i was numb and i listen to people for a living
i didn't think that i could listen to anyone, all i could hear were my own thoughts

i had gone out to see my grandma two weeks ago with jessica
she was, according to her, "not in any shape to have visitors", but she had us in anyway

i sat beside her on her bed and held her hand as she talked
i sat in the living room as she sat in her chair either talking to us or falling asleep
i remember seeing her in her chair, asleep, and the only thought that i had was,
"she so near to God right now"
like a thin line separated her spirit from the infinite
i wondered if she could see it...

she can see it now

now, i wonder what she sees
i wonder what she feels
i wonder how much she laughs
i wonder if she sleeps
i wonder if she is a little girl there
i wonder if she is playing
or eating ice cream and saying to her self
"what does my ice cream taste like?
it tastes like ice cream, andy!"
and then laughing
at herself for saying that
at me for asking that
and then, just because she could

so i took the day off yesterday.

i spent some time with my friend aaron
he's lonely and he misses God, he's reconnecting with God now
it's painful for him
but he came out and hung out with me,
in the midst of his existential pain
to be present with me in mine

i spent some time with my friend mynor
he's a father of a one year old
he's trying to get back into shape after an achilles injury
he cares for a lot of people
he took the time to have lunch with me
to care for me
to sit in silence over food if that is what i wanted to do

i spent some time with my friend matt
he just got married
probably the most redemptive ceremony i've ever been a part of
he has a steel rod holding his pelvis together
he just got back from new zealand
he hung out with me last night even though it was today for him
he felt my pain for me, he felt his pain
it connected us

jesus wept