mondays

i hate monday's!

i grew up reading garfield comic strips
for some reason this fat lazy cat, like roseanne, was popular when i was a kid
he hated monday's
this was his catch phrase
it made people laugh
"ha ha, i hate monday's too, that's genius!"

it's not genius
it's not brilliant either
in fact it's lame

the only thing lamer
(and trust me it's almost in a dead heat with saying
"you look like you have a case of the monday's")
is when the receptionist where i work,
upon my entering and saying good morning to her,
responds,
"good morning."
and when i say,
"how are you doing?"
she says,
"it's one day closer to friday!"
no matter the day
to which i give the courtesy smile
audible but short "hmph" laugh
and look away
because if i look at her when i do this
not only would i lose all respect for her
but for myself as well
conforming to a social ritual that is nothing but a lie
encouraging her to say the same thing to me the following day
even though i would give my liver for her to stop
or at least my firstborn

but i am starting to really hate monday's

not because the weekend is over
sometimes i'm glad the weekend is over
sometimes i'm ready to get back to work
sometimes the weekend is so chalk full of
activities
people to see
places to be
things that i hate doing but need to get done
and can only be done over the weekend
that i am glad that the weekend is over so i can breathe

not because i can't sleep in on monday
because i wake up at the same time for soccer on saturday
and for church on sunday
that i do every day of the week

not because i'm lazy
because, if i'm alone,
doing nothing drives me crazy
i have to do something productive
something active
something that gives back
and involves my brain
and my body

not because i have to go to work
because i enjoy what i do
i enjoy the people that i work with
it's unpredictable,
it's spontaneous,
it's anxiety provoking
and full of stories
and i like stories

no i hate monday's because
i hate saying good-bye

you see, i grew up saying "adios"
to acquaintances
to friends
to teachers
to best friends
and it hurt so bad the first few times that
i stopped feeling it
i pretended that there was no good-bye
only a pause
until i would see them again
this is a lie
some people i will never see again
most of the people i will never see again
a loss like death,
but not dead,
only gone,
divorced from my friendship
how many times can you grieve for yourself as a child?

it has been nothing to say good-bye

until now

i'm starting to hate monday's because
monday's have become synonymous with
me getting on an airplane at 7am east coast time
to fly back to my one bedroom apartment
and if it doesn't involve me going to the airport
it involves me having been there the night before
saying good-bye to jessica
it involves a tearing,
a tired grieving
a melancholy funk that i can't seem to shake the entire day
a loss that i feel in the depths of my being
that i feel i can't really tell anyone about
that it is something special
sacred
deep
unknowable
a longing
for who i leave or who leaves me

only this time it is only about a pause
this time i've let myself feel it
this time i'm not a child
this time i'll willingly grieve every time

goody-bye jess
i love you
i miss you...

God, i hate monday's!